DOOM! Magazine

Posted by PanasonicYouth on Thursday, April 22nd, 2010

In the twenty-third chapter of Twilight, Stephenie Meyer finds it necessary to write for only 4 pages. And make it a whole chapter. Also, vampires can reverse other vampire’s venom? We don’t understand it, but this chapter is so short that we have nothing else to go on. So….yeah. Stuff? What do we even talk about? Ugh. If you’re still intrigued, then it’s time for Mark to read Twilight.

CHAPTER 23: THE ANGEL

Why. Why is this a chapter.

As people pointed out in the comments of the previous review, all this seems to do is set up Edward as the knight-in-shining-armor who only exists to save Bella’s life so she may devote her entire existence to him. Thank you for this stunning character development, Stephenie Meyer.

I don’t know what to do with this stupid chapter except RAGE at the dumb things in it. It’s four pages long, Meyer; surely you aren’t going to fuck anything up in that time span, right?

BELLA IS BLIND

Try this on for size: So Bella gets bit on the hand by James right at the moment that Alice, Carlisle, and Edward show up. (Convenient, eh? Eh?) It’s hinted that James’ neck is snapped. Ok. Didn’t he know other vampires were coming? He specifically said he would know if other vampires were near. Whatever.

So Bella is drifting in and out of consciousness and the pain of her split head and broken leg finally cause her to open her eyes. And this is what Meyer writes:

• I realized my eyes were closed again. I opened them, desperate to find his face. And I found him. Finally, I could see his perfect face, staring at me, twisted into a mask of indecision and pain.

Prior to this, it’s clear from the narration that Bella knows Edward is holding her. So “finding” Edward shouldn’t be too hard because HE’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

Ugh. I hate this stupid, theatrical drama that Meyer writes. It’s the worst.

VAMPIRES ARE LIKE SNAKES…sort of?

Ok, I don’t understand this either and only having four pages about this pretty big plot “twist” is lame. Carlisle, realizing that James has bitten Bella, suggests to Edward that he suck the venom back out of Bella’s wound. Now, as I understood, based on Meyer’s descriptions, vampires in the Twilight world inject venom from their mouths, sort of like snakes. Maybe the venom comes out of their teeth? I don’t know, because Meyer DOESN’T ELABORATE ON THIS AT ALL.

So Edward sucks out the venom. Just like that. Oh, and he does it without magically infecting her with his own venom? Is this Meyer’s way of explaining the whole venom process? Also, great. Now Edward gets Bella’s blood in addition to her complete physical and emotional devotion. Awesome. I hate you, Stephenie Meyer.

VAMPIRES ARE OBSESSED WITH REALLY CREEPY OBSERVATIONS ABOUT TASTE AND SMELL

Like…it needs to stop. All of The Cullens (and James, too) make the most awkward and spooky comments about how Bella smells. Bella is never bothered by this. And then we get this from Edward:

• “Her blood tastes clean,” Edward said quietly. “I can taste the morphine.”

Please end my life immediately.

BELLA IS UNNATURALLY OBSESSED WITH EDWARD

Are you surprised?

• And then I heard my favorite sound in the world: Edward’s quiet laugh, weak with relief.

Do you mean that specific laugh? As if to say that only when his laugh is “weak with relief” do you enjoy it? Or his laugh in general?

Or do you mean to suggest that you’ve known this man for approximately two weeks (I don’t count the “Edward-is-avoiding-Bella-and-being-the-world’s-holiest-douchenozzle” days as them knowing each other) and he’s already become your favorite for everything? Again, you just met this dude. Calm down.

THAT’S IT. IT JUST ENDS.

I think this journal is precisely the same length as this chapter. What the hell. Do you remember theGoosebumps series that were terribly written and ripped off every known sci-fi/horror plot that ever existed? Yeah. They were written for pre-teens and had four-page chapters. Meyer constantly insists this series is not written with youngsters as the intended audience, yet she consistently makes sure her writing is accessible to anyone with severe reading comprehension skills.

No, let’s extend this analogy. I feel like Twilight is no better than the Goosebumps series. (Which, admittedly, I owned. Like the first 50 of them. What.) Here is a neat chart for you:

You can’t argue with that. It’s SCIENCE.

I finish Twilight tomorrow, guys. HOLY SHIT, I MIGHT MAKE IT.

Originally published on Mark Reads Twilight
Missed Mark Reads Twilight? Read it here on DOOM! Magazine from the beginning… Mark Will Read the Entire Twilight Series (so you don’t have to)

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This entry was posted on Thursday, April 22nd, 2010 at 3:06 AM. It is filed under Literature and tagged with markreadstwilight, Twilight. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.