DOOM! Magazine

"I Hate Twilight" - Photo ©2009 Skintight

In the first chapter of New Moon, we pick up months after Bella has healed from her domestic abuse at the hands of vampires fall down the stairs and it’s her birthday. Much like the first chapter of Twilight, we’re subjected to unending amounts of whining from Bella Swan even though it’s her birthday and everyone is showering her with gifts. Oh, and Bella gets a paper cut and is attacked by all her new friends. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read New Moon.

We’re jumping right into this review.

PREFACE / CHAPTER 1: PARTY

• I was ninety-nine point nine percent sure I was dreaming.

Shut up, Bella.

• I panicked because Gran didn’t know that I was in love with a vampire–nobody knew that–so how was I supposed to explain the fact that the brilliant sunbeams were shattering off his skin into a thousand rainbow shards like he was made of crystal or diamond?

Shut up, Bella. You explain it by merely pointing to your stilted author.

• I wasn’t entirely able to avoid my dad, and so I had to spend a few minutes acting cheerful. I honestly tried to be excited about the gifts I’d asked him not to get me, but every time I had to smile, it felt like I might start crying.

Seriously, shut up, Bella. Your dad should have forced you to be homeless after the stunt you pulled in Twilight, by lying to him and crushing his heart. Also, you know what kind of people beg to not get gifts on their birthday? People who want gifts on their birthday.

• I looked into his liquid-topaz eyes, and my heart gave a not-quite-so gentle squeeze of its own.

Shut up, Stephenie Meyer. Please use a different word than “topaz.”

• He lifted his free hand and traced one cool fingertip around the outside of my lips as he spoke.

STOP IT, EDWARD. STOP IT.

• I couldn’t really see Edward’s point, to be honest. What was so great about mortality? Being a vampire didn’t look like such a terrible thing–not the way the Cullens did it, anyway.

SHUT UP, BELLA SWAN. SHUT UP.

• “I thought my birthday was about what I want.”

OH MY GOD, BELLA. SHUT UP. PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO BE NICE TO YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.

• It would be bad enough to have to celebrate when I was in the mood to mourn. But, worse than that, this was sure to involved attention and gifts.

why can’t you be a normal human SHUT UP BELLA. SHUT UP.

• Every penny I made went into my microscopic college fun. (College was Plan B. I was still hoping for Plan A, but Edward was just so stubborn about leaving me human…)

Just so you understand it, Bella has made an internal list for her future in which going to college is second toasking her vampire boyfriend to turn her into a vampire as well.

SHUT UP, BELLA.

• But how could I let him give me things when I had nothing to reciprocate with? He, for some unfathomable reason, wanted to be with me. Anything he gave me on top of that just threw us more out of balance.

oh god WHY WHY WHY WHY DO YOU HAVE NO SELF ESTEEM YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU WANT. SHUT THE FUCK UP, BELLA SWAN.

• He handled me very carefully, pressing just the tips of his fingers softly against my temples, my cheekbones, my jawline. Like I was especially breakable. Which was exactly the case–compared with him, at least.

Please shut up, Bella.

• The movie [Romeo and Juliet] eventually captured my interest, thanks in large part to Edward whispering Romeo’s line in my ear–his irresistible, velvet voice made the actor’s voice sound weak and coarse by comparison.

Shakespeare is prepared to haunt you, Meyer. Shut up.

• “But I wasn’t sure how to do it ["it" being commit suicide]–I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help…so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi.”

SHUT UP, STEPHENIE MEYER. Let me guess: Edward is going to go to Italy to provoke the Volturi. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS RUIN YOUR OWN PLOTLINES.

• “Put me in danger! I thought we’d established that all the bad luck is my fault?”

SHUT UP, BELLA. STOP BLAMING EVERYTHING ON YOURSELF.

• I felt horribly guilty about the present situation, guessing that Rosalie and Emmett’s prolonged absence was my fault, even as I furtively enjoyed not having to see her..

god stop it just SHUT UP.

• “So, if you won’t let me get you the Audi, isn’t there anything that you’d like for your birthday?”The words came out in a whisper. “You know what I want.”A deep frown carved creases into his marble forehead. He obviously wished he’d stuck to the subject of Rosalie. It felt like we’d had this argument a lot today.”Not tonight, Bella. Please.”

  “Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want.”

SHUT UP BELLA SWAN JUST STOP IT.

• Dazed and disoriented [from getting a paper cut and then being thrown into a pile of broken glass (???)], I looked up from the bright red blood pulsing out of my arm–into the fevered eyes of the six suddenly ravenous vampires.

All hope is lost. This book is going to be horrible.