DOOM! Magazine

In the eighth chapter of New Moon, Jacob and Bella hang out more; twice, Bella ends up in the hospital because of this. (Of course, everything is her fault and everyone accepts this as rational and normal.) But we learn an even more disturbing fact about our least favorite heroine: she hangs out with Jacob specifically to trigger hallucinations that appear as the voice of Edward. Even worse, chapter eight is full of some of the creepiest, near-porn dialogue in any book yet. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read New Moon.

It’s time for CreepFest ’09.

CHAPTER 8: ADRENALINE

• I was terrified. I tried to tell myself that the fear was pointless. I’d already lived through the worst thing possible.

So the worst thing possible in all eternity is your shitty vampire boyfriend breaking up with you so he doesn’t have you for dinner?

Bella Swan, you are creepy. In honor of your continued creepiness, I shall post one nightmare-inducing image in this review for every you say that makes my brain want to become liquid and leak out of my ears. Shall we?

• Being reckless was paying off better than I’d thought. Forget cheating. Maybe I’d found a way to generate the hallucinations–that was much more important.

Nope. Wrong. It is just much more creepy.

• “Go home to Charlie,” the voice ordered. The sheer beauty of it amazed me. I couldn’t allow my memory to lose it, no matter the price.”

what. what. what. what. no.

• I was thrilled. This had to be it, the recipe for a hallucination–adrenaline plus danger plus stupidity. Something close to that, anyway.

I sincerely think there is something wrong with you.

• And then to discover the key to the hallucinations! At least, I hoped I had. I was going to test the theory as soon as possible. Maybe they’d get through with me quickly in the ER, and I could try again tonight.

Seriously, get some help. You are nuts.

• And I wasn’t giving it up–I’d had the most amazing hallucination today. My velvet-voiced delusion had yelled at me for almost five minutes before I’d hit the brake too abruptly and launched myself into a tree. I’d take whatever pain that would cause me tonight without complaint.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

Sorry about that one. :( But this next part is the worst.

• “Bears don’t want to eat people. We don’t taste that good.” He grinned at me in the dark cab. “Of course, you might be an exception. I bet you’d taste good.”

GOD FUCKING SHIT FUCK DAMN IT, MEYER. WHY DO YOU MAKE JACOB SAY THIS. IT IS SO OUT OF CHARACTER AJDS;LJKDASJKLSALJKFAS;LKASDFJHWERFDSKLJFSADJKL;D SAFDL;JKAFSD908234LKJ%#$@#$$#@

Wait, I lied. One more:

• “Thanks so much,” I said, looking away. He wasn’t the first person to tell me that.

THANK YOU OH SO MUCH FOR THAT LITTLE TIDBIT, BELLA. JESUS WHAT THE HELL STOP IT

Yeah. Please try to sleep tonight while thinking of that.