DOOM! Magazine

p30 vampires can’t breathe

p33 boooorrring

p34 this isnt so bad. Carlisle is kind of nice and normal?

p36 oh great ruined by THEISTIC PROPAGANDA

p37 oh my god shoot me if edward is heaven and send me to hell

p38 please stop

p41 what you think edward is hot he is your adopted son WHAT

p42 FINALLY SOMEONE IS SENSIBLE

p44 great back to BLAMING YOURSELF AGAIN

p45 when edward tells you to stop being melodramatic YOU BETTER LISTEN BECAUSE SERIOUSLY.

p47 how is her dad not concerned about constant injury

p48 by the way i had NO IDEA YOU WERE A REASONABLE PERSON

p51 jesus what the fuck is this fuckery

p52 which is tempting you more WHAT IS THIS BOOK

p52 foreshadow spoiler FUCKING AGAIN.

p53 the title of the chapter ALREADY SPOILS THE WHOLE CHAPTER

p55 denali. you are not serious.

p55 JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER LIKE ADULTS

p57 you are a DOUCHE

p59 LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT HURTING YOUR FATHER

p60 OH GOD WE GET IT THE FUTURE IS CHANGING SHUT UP

p61 BELLA DOESN’T SMILE OH LORD

p62 what the fuck is this not a digital camera???

p64 what is this shit

p65 BARF

p65 MORE BARF

p66 you spent the entire first book doing this STOP IT

P69 WHAT THE HOLY LIVING FUCK IS GOING ON.

p70 STOP USING TOPAZ STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT

p73 this is absolutely the worst book of all time

p74 new moon SHOOT ME HURRY UP AND DO IT

p84  oh my god i want to die this is not real no author should do this

Chapter 4: In which Mark claims that Bella Swan is the worst person in the world.

p93 thanks for letting us know time passes because you DIDN’T JUST LET US KNOW RIGHT NOW

p95 unfair ARE YOU SERIOUS

p95 i only very rarely served leftovers ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS

p95 oh my god THINK FOR YOURSELF OR DO ANYTHING YOU DEPENDENT FREAK

p96 charlie is so sweet. how will smeyer ruin this soon?

p97 OH SHIT CHARLIE SMACKDOWN

p99 your life is SO HARD

p101 again your life is SO HARD

p102 BY THE WAY I AM MANIPULATING YOU TOO

p104 there is no way women are like this

p106 there is no fucking way this is serious

p107 please kill me

p109 START WALKING YOU IDIOT

p110 this is so uninteresting

p110 i’m still alive ONLY BECAUSE OF EDWARD

p111 I’M SORRY WHAT IS EDWARD A GHOST WHAT

P113 SHUT UP YOU EMO TWAT

p113 there is no way this took a few seconds.

p116 you are staying in Forks so you can NOT FORGET EDWARD WHAT

p119 edward broke up with you YOU WERE NOT MURDERED

Chapter 5: In which Mark writes the first (largely) positive review and joins Team Jacob.

p121 oh look someone trying to be NICE AGAIN

p121 oh my god is this the bear argument from THE OFFICE

p122 don’t worry, bella, i am bored for you

p123 oh my god if there is nothing to see then WHY IS THERE ENOUGH LIGHT THIS MAKES NO SENSE

p123 jesus SHUT UP

p124 this is seriously so irritating

p126 you are kidding me

p129 oh my god you are going to manipulate jacob black UGH THANKS FOR FORESHADOWING AGAIN

p130 this is a BRILLIANT PLAN

p131 what SIX FOOT FIVE WHAT YOU ARE LIKE 16

p136 what the shit GIFT FROM THE GODS

Chapter 6: In which Mark deems that Stephenie Meyer is a sexist pig.

p138 why does he look happy to have a tight shirt what does this mean

p139 BELLA IS A SEXIST PIG

p142 there is seriously something wrong with you

p145 you’re going to ruin this, aren’t you Meyer?

p149 HOW CAN LAUGHING FEEL SO WRONG WHAT

p151 can bella experience joy is it possible

p152 maybe it’s because you are UNINTERESTING

p154 what the fuck is wrong with you

p155 let me guess IT’S A WEREWOLF

p158 nothing has changed THAT’S RIGHT YOU ARE STILL IRRITATING

Chapter 7: In which Mark mocks Meyer’s ability of spoiling her book through foreshadowing by spoiling the fact that he’s going to write a review that foreshadows him spoiling his foreshadowing.

p159 chapter is called REPETITION oh god I am going to hate this

p159 your dreams can’t be NOTHING if there are things IN THEM

p160 oh my god WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

p161 you are so creepy

p163 what JACOB YOU ARE SO ADORABLE

p165 you are PSYCHOTIC ANYONE WOULD HATE YOU AFTER THAT

p166 ok what AWKWARD

p168 look at you being NORMAL. How will you ruin this?

p171 what

p173 what is the point of this

p174 oh god MORE FORESHADOWING why

P178 STOP FORESHADOWING WE GET IT IT’S ALL ABOUT WEREWOLVES

p178 WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK

Chapter 8: In which Mark celebrates CreepFest ’09.

p182 oh my god dying by motorcycle is WORSE THAN YOUR SHITTY BOYFRIEND BREAKING UP WITH YOU

p185 are you serious WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

p190 what

p191 haha OF COURSE HE DOESN’T HAVE A SHIRT ON

p193 launched into a tree are you SERIOUS

p195 you are so fucking weird

p200 what the holy flying fuck what the fuck what the fuck

Chapter 9: In which Mark provides evidence that Bella Swan deserves mental help for what she does in the book.

p201 you are not a MOON what the fuck

p202 intentional harm what are you doing

p203 stop using jacob you SOD

p205 everything you do is METHODICAL AND INSANE

p208 oh god meyer why is everything s awkward also THERE IS NO POINT TO THIS

p209 why wouldn’t it help YOU ALREADY HANG OUT WITH HIM

p209 YOU ARE A DELUSIONAL LIAR

p211 i don’t understand this at all

p212 hahah WHAT IS THIS also jacob is ADORABLE

p214 you could not be more of a horrible person

p216 please SHUT UP

p217 oh my god jacob you are THE BEST

p218 swoon WHAT THE FUCK WHY DO YOU LIKE EDWARD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

p218 WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO HIM WHY DO YOU WANT HIM TO BE YOUR BROTHER WHAT THE FUCK

p219 no seriously WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

p220 let me guess JACOB IS BECOMING A WEREWOLF

p223 YES STOP BLAMING YOURSELF

Chapter 10: In which Mark becomes so angry at New Moon that he busts out giant, sparkly text.

p225 you are even creepy with jacob STOP IT LEAVE HIM ALONE

p226 jacob has mono LOL LOL LOL LOL

p230 surprise SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY

p231 stop lying STOP IT

p232 oh of course GO GET LOST WHY

p234 what did you expect YOU WEIRDO

p236 oh god WHY WHY WHY PLEASE DON’T

p238 what is this WHAT IS GOING ON WHY

p239 this is so stupid and NOT SUSPENSEFUL AT ALL

p240 STOP EXPLAINING YOUR ACTIONS YOU STUPID VILLAIN

P242 if jacob shows up i will throw this book

p243 are you kidding me a wolf as big as a horse WHAT

p244 oh my fucking god LET ME GUESS THAT WEREWOLF IS JACOB I FUCKING HATE YOU STEPHENIE MEYER

p249 STOP FORESHADOWING. STOP IT NOW

Chapter 11: In which Mark imagines what Bella’s Twitter feed would look like.

P252 first world problems WHAT

p253 STOP STOP STOP STOP CALLING HIM

p255 CONGRATS YOU JUST FIGURED OUT WHAT WE KNEW A BILLION YEARS AGO.

p256 i know everything about this because I SAW A TV SHOW ONCE

p258 hasdjkfhadsjkfhsad what THERE ARE WOLVES SURPRISE

p259 you are fucking kidding me

p261 by the way STALKING IS TOTALLY FINE

p262 MY SUN HAD IMPLODED please shoot me

p263 i want to be a vampire ;lkasdkljdfs

P264 GREAT IT’S A REPEAT OF THE FIRST BOOK.

p266 great now jacob is a raging asshole fuck this book so hard

p268 WHY IS EDWARD TALKING

p270 jacob just BROKE A TREE WITH HIS FIST

WHAT

p272 WHY CAN’T ANYONE IN THIS BOOK HAVE A FUCKING CONVERSATION

p275 um charlie is clearly the best character in this book.

p277 stop it

Chapter 12: In which Mark would really like to talk about how he felt about chapter 12, but he just can’t do it.

p278 let me guess IT IS JACOB.

p279 STOP USING ELLIPSES

P281 NO, THIS IS NOT AT ALL THE SAME. JACOB HAS PERMISSION

p284 are you serious a GUESSING GAME WHAT THE FUCK

p286 JUST FUCKING TALK TO EACH OTHER WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

p288 how do you NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THIS

p292 you are kidding me you are KIDDING ME YOU ALREADY WROTE ABOUT THIS

p292 this is the equivalent of a cinematic flashback montage KILL ME

P294 stop screaming STOP IT

p294 oh of course THIS IS YOUR FAULT WHAT THE FUCK

p296 tree hugger SHOOT ME RIGHT NOW

0297 this is so fucking stupid

p298 seriously THEY ARE FUCKING WEREWOLVES THEY CAN HANDLE IT

Chapter 13: In which Mark supports direct conversation and writes a poem inspired by such things.

p300 oh great BACK TO STALKING JACOB WHAT THE SHIT

P302 WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS HE IS SLEEPING

p303 why aren’t you SAYING THE OBVIOUS

p304 oh god this is stupid

p306 i’m sorry WHAT THE FUCK

p308 SEE THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE A FUCKING CONVERSATION. IT IS THAT EASY

p311 oh god you are not serious THIS IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE FIRST FUCKING BOOK

p313 oh god STOP FORESHADOWING

p317 this is the worst book of all time

Chapter 14: In which Mark claims that Stephenie Meyer wishes for nothing more than her characters to become her personal sex slaves.

p323 this is going to turn into porn, isn’t it?

p325 again. really hot dudes fighting over Bella. what the everloving fuck

P325 WELL THERE IT IS. ABSOLUTE PROOF THIS IS THE WORST BOOK OF ALL TIME

p327 i’m sorry THESE ARE NUDE, MUSCULAR BOYS WHAT IS THIS BOOK

p329 no where is the cheesy bass-heavy music this is porn

p333 this is going to be incest porn what is happening.

p333 oh awesome MAKE THIS MOMENT ABOUT YOU

Chapter 15: In which Mark throws a GIF party because Bella has drowned.

p343 GO AWAY MIKE you are not even an interesting character

p349 oh god jacob got awesome again SWOON. this will get ruined. :(

p353 SHUT UP stop it

p356 PLEASE MOVE ON

p357 is this a rationalization for suicide

what

what

what

p361 no, this is really suicide

Chapter 16: In which Mark rages so so so so so so hard because Stephenie Meyer thinks her book is Romeo & Juliet.

p363 oh great she’s not dead SURPRISE

p364 “This wasn’t as good as last time.” WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

p365 another STRONG MAN saved her please kill me

p367 this is seriously bullshit

p368 yeah you are a horrible person. glad you realized it.

p369 YOUR BOOK IS NOT ROMEO AND JULIET STOP IT

p370 NO SHE WOULD NOT. YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY

p371 i’m sorry did you just use Romeo and Juliet to RATIONALIZE YOUR OWN FUCKING BOOK

p375 stake a claim. HE IS A PERSON, NOT A PLOT OF LAND

p376 shut up

p380 what is this NONSENSE