DOOM! Magazine

Posted by Kristyn Glanville on Friday, September 24th, 2010

This edition of the Hunt is dedicated to Mark, the best vegan-straightedge-cyclist-Lostie-admin there ever was.

My main wish is that Family Force 5 would decide which genre they want to belong to, and then stick with it. Because it kind of sounds like they all wanted to play a different style of music, and while Rage Against the Machine totally works the rock/hip hop thing, Family Force 5 manages to simultaneously fail at 5 different genres of music. Which is quite an achievement when you think about it.

Family Force 5 attempt (and I use the word loosely) to be a hybrid of rock, hardcore, pop, electronica, and hip hop. Unfortunately, they have only the loosest grasp of what these genres entail. There are points where theyalmost make it, ALMOST. They’re leading to a crescendo that COULD be awesome, and then decide to do something completely irrelevant and generic, and I feel disappointed in myself for almost believing for a second they might ascend from mediocrity. They’re like the fat kid in gym you wish would JUST THAT ONCE beat the bullies at sport, but yet everytime they have the opportunity, manage to trip over their own chocolate fudge sundae. The fact they consistently manage to have a disappointing end to every single crescendo makes me hate them even more.

Their lyrics have the depth of a children’s blow up swimming pool (“One two three four, I declare a dance floor“), the originality of Miley Cyrus & Joe Jonas’ illegitimate love child, and emo hair even the Madden brothers would be proud of. I wish I could say they were contributing to the musical scene, but unfortunately they just combine all the worst elements of every genre, and hope that by having a sufficiently hypnotic rhythm guitar they will be pushed over the line.  While theyre no Brokencyde (LOLZ, BUT WHO IS?), they’re honestly shithouse.

Their videos are… special. While they seem to mostly be trying to a rockband, their music videos consist largely of them pretending to be raver kids and being amused by flashing lights and glow sticks. I just can’t help but get the feeling almost ALL their riffs are stolen from other bands. Allow the following short film illustrate both the stolen-ness of their riffs, and the retardation of their film clips. OMG YOU GUISE, WE’RE PRETENDIN’ TO BE HILLBILLIES1!!1!

Although honestly, this one is a bit more indicative of their multiple-genres-fail:

In conclusion: Dear Family Force 5, I would be able to sleep at night so much better knowing your multiple-genre-fail is no longer leashed upon the world. In fact, your multiple systems failure is comparable to Microsoft Vista, with much the same compatibility issues and poor user interface. Please, remove all the electronica and hip hop from your music, if not, at least get rid of the cheesy filters. If your lead-singer-man can’t sing, maybe its time to find a new one. Like photoshop, there is only so much technology can do to disguise how completely untalented something is. I present to you this graph to illustrate my point:

I think this is a fairly definitive explanation of where Family Force 5 went wrong. So very wrong.

Don’t miss any installments of The Hunt For The Worst Musical Act!

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This entry was posted on Friday, September 24th, 2010 at 3:45 PM. It is filed under Blog, Commentary, Music and tagged with Family Force 5, Hunt for Worst Musical Act. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.