DOOM! Magazine

Posted by Kristyn Glanville on Thursday, September 30th, 2010

Brokencyde have become something of a creature of mythology. They’re like the Hitler of leaders. The M. Night Shymalan of directors. The /b/ of the internet. I feel like they’ve become a yardstick of how bad something can possibly be. Kind of like how all plays are compared to Shakespeare, or how all movies are compared to Casablanca. In centuries from now, our ancestors will find only archival relics testifying to the almighty shitteousness of Brokencyde, and like the Brothers Grimm fairy tales, a horrible rumour will spread through the Earth of a band so terrible, many will fear to speak its name.

Where noble artists like ICP were trailblazers in terms of having completely-batshit-insane fans, I feel like Brokencyde have totally revolutionised this. They have an album of photos on their myspace consisting entirely of underaged girls with “Brokencyde” and their photo number scrawled all over their tits. CLASSY. How their videos all seem to have 5 star ratings is testiment to the fact our generation is actually mentally retarded, and not in the ‘e-hate’ way, but in the actual i-think-you-have-a-dysfunctional-brain-stem kind of way.

Their lyrics have actually got no redeeming qualities. Not a single one. With such gems as “Just fuck me daddy” and “You make my peepee hard” Brokencyde really set the bar high. In fact, if I were to give them any award for their lyrics, it would be the fact they are simultaneously able to offend virtually every group of people there is. Their lyrics are frankly demeaning to women, but with such song titles as “The only good president is a white president” and the ironically titled “True Love” in which the singer describes having casual sex with the girlfriend he’s cheating on, Brokencyde are far from a one trick pony. Guise, its awesome to insult racial groups, love, women and sex. Perhaps the cherry on the top of this seeping pit of mysogyny and general retardation is the amazing lyric they have which is “Im gonna slip you a drink you think is pepsi, then I’ll slip in my cock when you’re good and tipsy, Bitch I ain’t calling you again, now it’s my bro’s turn, he do you again.” I’m actually pretty sure women’s rights were more progressive back in the 1850′s. MR DARCY WOULD NOT APPROVE OF DATE RAPE.

But Brokencyde aren’t all serious business. Their video clip for Freaxxx has the distinction of being the worst film clip on the internet. While their song is presumably set on the dancefloor, it seems more like the clip has been filmed in someone’s-girlfriends-stepdad’s driveway, and they managed to convince him to lend them the family range rover for the day. The classy fluro backgrounds really added to the level of cheese that dominated the clip, and like any scenester film clip, was not without a man in a bunny suit. It is somewhat trite to talk about the general fugliness of the band. But by far my favourite member is homeboy in the blue shirt who looks baked out of his brain, and as Shannon put it, reminds you of that stoner kid in highschool you felt sorry for and you let copy your notes.

freeaxx video

As for their ‘music’ their style attempts to combine hardcore, electronica and pop. And it really fails at all of them.Their growl, simply put, is utter shite. Their grasp of electronica is at best generic, and at worst, completely laughable. I feel like their music is trying to marry the two schools of scene; hardcore and raver. Unfortunately Brokencyde is the bastard lovechild resulting, that will one day grow up and destroy the Music Empire. They have spawned all kinds of awful bands like Dot Dot Curve, which are trying the whole “Screamo/crunk” thing. SERIOUSLY. ITS. NOT. WORKING. YOU. ARE. RAPING. MY. EARS. LIKE. I. AM. RAPING. CAPLOCK.

Allow ‘Bree Bree’ to illustrate this point. Their title is almost clever in the way bree bree sounds like his pig growl, but their music is too bad for me to be able to even want to appreciate this fact on any level.

I think the important thing to note is that only a fat pig-faced fug would get with that, so perhaps bree-bree is a mating call (him and the lead singer of Annotations of an Autopsy can go out together to hook up perhaps? Here piggy piggy?). I just find it kind of amusing these guys are so deluded they actually find themselves attractive enough to warrant any kind of attention from the lady folk. This level of delusion surely rivals Jeffree Star. No wonder they need to slip women drugs, theyre too disgusting and brain-fucked to gain any action through legitimate means.

In conclusion. Brokencyde represents all that is bad about the 21st century. We have told people who are shit that they are awesome in order to preserve their self esteem, and as a result, bred a whole bunch of image obsessed brats who think that they can automatically do everything. Brokencyde, seriously guys. YOU WILL NEVER SELL ENOUGH RECORDS TO BUY A ROLEX WATCH. NEVER. EVER. I kind of feel like crunk should be shot immediately for allowing this kind of derivation. Brokencyde are ugly, untalented fucks who should have never been allowed near a beat box and a recording studio. Technology is a dark tool, and Brokencyde have used it to commit evil. I can’t say I’d be upset if they were all strangled to death in their sleep by the bunny man, turned crazy from listening their music non-stop. GUISE I THINK WE SOLVED HOW FRANK CAME ABOUT.

Don’t miss any installments of The Hunt For The Worst Musical Act!

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 30th, 2010 at 8:59 AM. It is filed under Blog, Commentary, Music. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.