DOOM! Magazine

Posted by Kristyn Glanville on Friday, August 27th, 2010

This review was written with the help of Shannon. Go give her a hug or a cookie. She bites though, so don’t try and pet her.

Circa 1999-2004 Blink-182 were like, the best band ever. They were fast, fun, punky, and happy. When I was 14, I thought their music was amazing, punk and lulz went hand and hand. But like every band, they had to grow up eventually.

Unfortunately it would appear that All Time Low got this memo about 4 years too late and still seem to think that pop-punk is awesome. However unlike Blink, who realized they had no talent and needed to make people laugh to disguise this fact, All Time Low take this whole pop-punk thing seriously.

Come promotion time, the record company evidently noticed this.

Record Exec 1: Ok its time for All Time Low to make a new promotional video

Exec 2: AYE CARUMBA! Their music, eet has no-ting eentresting!

Record Exec 1: Oh shit, you’re right. How did we ever not notice this before.

Exec 2: I know! We shell bombard teeneged girls with unrelated meemes to distract them from thes fact!

Record Exec 1: I’m not sure Guido. That shit might fly in Puerto Rico, but the girls here are more switched on.

Exec 2: Nonsense! It’s like dangling car keys in front of a bebe. If ALT’s clips are sparkly and noisy enough we can distract them from the music, or rather, lack of music!

This basically sums up All Time Low’s music videos. They contain bite sized, unrelated memes, in order to distract the viewer from how completely unremarkable the music is. Take Poppin’ for example. I can tell you that

a) Alex Gasgarth is totally hawt

b) LyK OMG! They have a chinchilla~

c) LOLZ they looked like pimps!

d) ALT look so funny in gym clothes!

But I probably couldnt even hum the tune to you. Sadly, they can jingle keys infront of me all they want but i still hear them playing. You could make it into a drinking game. Take a shot everytime the clip produces a gimmick.

1)

Look! Alex is a pimp!

2)

OMG SHINY!

3)

LOOK! A CHINCHILLA!!

4)

PIMPS FIST PUMPING!

5)

OMG! THUGS IN A TUB!

6)

HOLY FUCK! A DANCING LEPRECHAUN!

PLEASE DONT PAY ATTENTION TO HOW LAME THIS SONG IS, WE HAVE A MIDGET

7)

JINGLE JINGLE I AM WEARING A PIMP SUIT JINGLE JINGLE I AM MILDY ATTRACTIVE JINGLE JINGLE DONT LISTEN TO THIS SONG JINGLE JINGLE MY FRIEND IS WEARING FAKE RAVER CLOTHES

8)

OMG LULZ LOOK AT HOW FUNNY ALT ARE WHEN THEY DANCE IN THEIR GYM CLOTHES.

It doesnt even matter if I go on, I’m already on the floor throwing up from alcohol poisoning. This video came out like 10 years too late. Sorry all time low, its not 1999 no one really makes videos like this anymore.

Shannon and I tried to listen to their other clips, but unfortunately in clips without the gimmicks, we were forced to actually listen to their music. In ‘This Girl is a straight up hustler’ we saw no midgets or monkeys, and as such, were completely unamused. There was nothing to distract us from how generic and bad their music is.

To sum up, All Time Low are the most appropriately named band ever. Nothing Personal.

Don’t miss any installments of The Hunt For The Worst Musical Act!

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This entry was posted on Friday, August 27th, 2010 at 11:33 AM. It is filed under Commentary, Music and tagged with All Time Low, Hunt for Worst Musical Act, opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.