Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 19
In the nineteenth chapter of Twilight, Bella comes up with a plan that will allow the Cullens to forcibly kidnap her: she uses her father’s failed marriage as a guilt trip. If you don’t hate Bella yet, just wait…
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 18
In the eighteenth chapter of Twilight, a new set of vampires appear out of the forest…and want to play baseball. This is a real plot line, folks. Cue Edward speaking in the equivalent of ALL CAPS to Bella. Think you’ve seen rage? You’ve seen nothing yet, as Edward and the other Cullens create an elaborate plan to avoid getting Bella killed. By vampires. Even though they’re vampires. Sigh. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Twilight.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 17
In the seventeenth chapter of Twilight, confrontation is the theme of the day: Billy Black confronts Bella about dating a vampire, Charlie confronts Bella because he didn’t even know she was dating anyone at all, and a new sect of vampires are set to confront the Cullens. Oh yeah, there’s a little thing about vampires playing a superhuman round of baseball in a thunderstorm.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 15/16
That’s right; we’re combining chapters 15 and 16 for today’s review of Twilight. (That’s mostly because there is no logical reason to separate them aside from Meyer’s inability to write.)
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 14
After the frightening events of chapter 13, the fourteenth chapter of Twilight presents our vampire, Edward, as possibly one of the most sociopathic characters in modern “literature.”
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 13
In the thirteenth chapter of Twilight, Edward reveals that he is a vampire who sparkles in the sun. Edward reveals that he is a vampire who sparkles in the sun. Edward is a vampire that sparkles in the sun. A VAMPIRE, WHO SPARKLES IN THE SUN. SPARKLE. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Twilight.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 12
In the twelfth chapter of Twilight, Bella uneventfully avoids a confrontation with Jacob’s father. Then Edward and Bella hang out and don’t do much of anything. Then Bella goes to school and doesn’t do much of anything. Sense a pattern?
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 11
In the eleventh chapter of Twilight, Bella and Edward are now aware of Edward’s vampirism and Bella’s utter devotion to a man she barely knows. For the entirety of the 11th chapter, nothing happens after this. There are some inconsequential conversations and a hint of controversy near the end, but nothing happens. Is this what we have to look forward to for 15 more chapters? No one knows. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to readTwilight.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 10
In the tenth chapter of Twilight, we reach a dark day in our reviews: the day when PanasonicYouth must shed the LULZ and get serious for a moment. Now that Bella knows Edward is a vampire, the two share awkward and slightly horrifying conversations in which we learn only one new thing.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 9
In the ninth chapter of Twilight, Edward proceeds to drive Bella home from their restaurant date. In the process, he FINALLY admits that he’s a vampire, that he stalks Bella ruthlessly, and that he believes she is rather stupid.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 8
In the eighth chapter of Twilight, Stephenie Meyer shockingly lowers the bar from the previous chapter. There’s implied rape, a whole lot of sexism, an even more embarrassing round of “Guess What Superhero I Am, Bella,” and the use of the word, “dazzle.”
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 7
In the seventh chapter of Twilight, all possible literary merit that Stephenie Meyer may have earned in the previous chapter is thrown out of the window as the reader is subjected to the first instance of a glowing Edward Cullen.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 6
In the sixth chapter of Twilight, Bella develops a disturbing trend of manipulation which seems to suggest that Stephanie Meyer truly despises all women. But this isn’t important because there’s a momentous occasion in chapter six:
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 5
In the fifth chapter of Twilight, Bella and Edward announce their friendship–outloud. Really. We’re then presented with more awkward dialogue, a rather convenient fear of blood, the beginnings of Edward’s creepy courtship, and one hell of a stupid “cliffhanger.” (“Cliffhanger” is used loosely.) Intrigued? It’s time for Mark to read Twilight.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 4
In the fourth chapter of Twilight, we’re forced to continue listening to more whining and complaining from Bella, despite the fact that three separate guys ask her to the Spring Dance, she doesn’t kill herself while making dinner, and the ever-dreamy Edward Cullen actually asks to hang out with her. We’ll also address Bella’s disturbing trend of clumsiness. Intrigued? It’s time for Mark to read Twilight.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 3
In the third chapter of Twilight, Bella continues to whine about things that are absolutely positive to her life, as Edward comes to her rescue and saves her life. This inspires even more frustratingly awkward conversation between the two main characters as PanasonicYouth ponders literary suicide. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Twilight.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 2
In Chapter 2 of Twilight, Bella is simultaneously the most popular girl in school, the most clumsy girl in school, and the most irritating human being alive. Not possible? It only gets better: Edward and Bella have their first cringeworthy conversation. It’s time for Mark to read Twilight.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Preface/Chapter 1
The preface of Twilight reminds me of the trashy horror books I used to read when I ran out of Stephen King and H.P. Lovecraft to read back in junior high. Short, concise, and ambiguous.
Mark (PanasonicYouth) will read the entire Twilight series so you don’t have to
If there’s one thing that bothers me, it’s unfounded arguments ON THE INTERNET. A lot of people here (myself included) have taken Twilight fans to task for their support of the series of novels written by Stephanie Meyer.
