Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Chapter 14
In the fourteenth chapter of New Moon, Stephenie Meyer reaches new literary heights by writing pages and pages of exposition for what appears to be a really bad porn. Or slashfic. Something like that. But seriously, there are half naked boys in a forest wrestling while other half naked boys bet on which one will bleed and then there are half naked boys who make a Bella sandwich in her car and…no, it’s really bad. Really really bad.
Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Chapter 13
In the thirteenth chapter of New Moon, Bella stalks Jacob at his house and no one calls her on it, not even Jacob’s dad. Then she walks in on Jacob sleeping. Seriously. This (THANKFULLY) leads to Jacob and Bella having a conversation about how he is a werewolf, even though we’ve known this since THE LAST BOOK. At this point, we learn that Jacob can read werewolf minds and the book reverts back to the exact same plot as Twilight. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read New Moon.
Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Chapter 12
In the twelfth chapter of New Moon, we learn the scratching outside Bella’s bedroom window is Jacob. Climbing a tree. He apologizes profusely to Bella and says he’d like to tell her why he was acting so weird. Only he can’t, so he forces Bella to guess. For real. Then Meyer writes what is essentially a literary flashback monologue and brain cells start melting and then the book just plummets to the absolute bottom of the barrel. All hope is lost. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read New Moon.
Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Chapter 11
In the eleventh chapter of New Moon, Bella spends pages merely calling Jacob over and over again, at one point calling every 30 minutes for an entire evening. She finally gives up stalking him over the phone and drives to his house, confronting Jacob’s friend Quil, who magically validates all of Bella’s stalking.
Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Chapter 10
In the tenth chapter of New Moon, Bella spends far too much time openly stalking Jacob because it’s clear at this point that she’s not a normal human being. This leads her to return to her usual mopey self, so she decides the best thing to do is revisit the meadow from Twilight where Edward revealed his glittery powers to her. There’s no Edward, but Laurent shows up, tries to eat her, and a ton of werewolves show up, including Jacob. It is just as dumb as it sounds. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read New Moon.
Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Chapter 9
In the ninth chapter of New Moon, Meyer spends far two much time on banal plot points that seem to go nowhere until, ONCE AGAIN, she uses Jacob to foreshadow his own transformation into a werewolf. Before the reader gouges his or her eyes out, however…
Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Chapter 8
In the eighth chapter of New Moon, Jacob and Bella hang out more; twice, Bella ends up in the hospital because of this. But we learn an even more disturbing fact about our least favorite heroine…
Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Chapter 7
In the seventh chapter of New Moon, Jacob proves to be even more ADORABLE and AMAZING than a single fiber on Edward Cullen’s blazer.
Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Chapter 6
In the sixth chapter of New Moon, Bella and Jacob’s friendship grows as the two (mostly Jacob) work on the set of motorcycles Bella picked up. Bella stops moping, for once, though her penchant for sexism and irritating gloom-and-doom is still present. Bella might actually be happy for once, werewolves are disgustingly foreshadowed, and we deal with possible Mormon propaganda. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read New Moon.
Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Chapter 5
In the fifth chapter of New Moon, Bella mopes at work, mopes on her way home from work, and eventually pulls off to the side of the road to CONTINUE MOPING. In a moment of inspired bliss, Meyer finally decides she’s had enough of her irritating attitude, so Bella buys two motorcycles (no, really) and goes to hang out with Jacob Black. And, for the first time, ever, a book by Stephenie Meyer is actually kind of awesome. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read New Moon.
Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Chapter 4
In the fourth chapter of New Moon, Bella’s dad demands that his daughter stop acting like her life is over. Bella responds by acting like her life is over.
Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Chapter 3
In the third chapter of New Moon, Edward treats Bella in exactly the same manner he does in the beginning of Twilight: he ignores her as awkwardly as possible.
Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Chapter 2
In the second chapter of New Moon, Bella’s paper cut clears the Cullens’ house of vampires while Carlisle stitches up another injury.
Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Preface/Chapter 1
In the first chapter of New Moon, we pick up months after Bella has healed from her domestic abuse at the hands of vampires fall down the stairs and it’s her birthday. Much like the first chapter of Twilight, we’re subjected to unending amounts of whining from Bella Swan even though it’s her birthday and everyone is showering her with gifts. Oh, and Bella gets a paper cut and is attacked by all her new friends. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read New Moon.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’ Hate Mail
I’ve come to the realization that roughly three quarters of my work on Buzznet has been all about destroying or mocking what other people love. That’s…sort of sad, I suppose, and hardly constructive. But then I started getting hate mail. Not the normal trolling comments I’m used to from posting about politics or music wankery, no; this type of hate mail was very real and very serious. So I did the best thing I could do with them: mock them ruthlessly.
Mark Reads ‘New Moon’: Archive and Chapter Notes
I’m still alive. In the last month or so, I have completed reading the second book in the Twilight saga called New Moon. We have laughed. We have cried. There’s been a lot of pain, both emotional and (occasionally) physically. Would you like to relive it all? Would you like to see what you missed? Then it’s time for Mark to reminisce with great regret about New Moon.
Grrrls Rock, Marisa Meltzer Says So!
Marisa Meltzer could write the book on girl power. In fact, she already DID write it. Girl Power: The Nineties Revolution in Music is her love letter to the days of Riot Grrrl as well as an exploration of what came after…
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Archive and Chapter Notes
In order to milk the fact that I’m done reading the worst book of all time, here’s a comprehensive summary of every single chapter review I’ve done. This is mostly for my scatterbrain in my head, as I can never remember which review featured a fake court transcript and which creeped me out because I imagined my own death. As an added bonus so that this is not a complete waste of digital space, I will share my intimate and maddening chapter notes for each chapter. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to painfully reminisce about Twilight.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 24 / Epilogue
In the final chapter (and epilogue) of Twilight, we’re left with a giant mess tidily cleaned up by The Cullens: the dance studio is torched, Carlisle is caring for Bella, and all of her friends and family magically believe that Bella broke her leg, smashed four ribs, tore open her scalp, and bruised her whole body by “falling down the stairs.”
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 23
In the twenty-third chapter of Twilight, Stephenie Meyer finds it necessary to write for only 4 pages. And make it a whole chapter. Also, vampires can reverse other vampire’s venom? We don’t understand it, but this chapter is so short that we have nothing else to go on.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 22
In the twenty second chapter of Twilight, Bella escapes mind-reading, superhuman vampires, despite the insane impossibility of such an action.
No Beef On The Streets, Only Revolution
As always, I’m fascinated by people that dothings, and I’m even more fascinated when they come from street culture. So, I’m doubly excited that two of my friends have books out this month — both on vegan living, and the evils of GMOs.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 21
In the twenty first chapter of Twilight, Bella does mostly the same thing she does in chapter 20: she just sits there and uses a phone. For ten pages.
Mark Reads ‘Twilight’: Chapter 20
In the twentieth chapter of Twilight, Bella waits in a Phoenix motel for the rest of the Cullen family to return from hunting the tracker vampire who is hellbent on devouring Bella.
